TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely from place. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have An additional put the place American men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide Every person a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he ought to prevent using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a element staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It can be not simply unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to Trump Tower Damascus build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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